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I’ve been so stressed out and frustrated with life lately that I really just want to go to the top of a mountain and sing every song I’ve ever loved. It’s kinda weird, I thought after I graduated from high school that I wouldn’t turn to music anymore. Majoring in music really kind of ruined music for me, after high school I wanted nothing more to do with it. I gave up singing, and really I gave up listening to the music I liked. This year I’ve gone back to listening to the music I love, sort of. Today I’ve somewhat reconnected with the songs that I love and the songs that allow me to drop everything in the world for 3 minutes before I have to pick it all back up again. The weird part is that I always have the urge to just go stand in the middle of the universe and sing, yet I don’t like being outside, but I feel like that’s where I need to be. There’s a famous philosopher that says that once you are faced two conflicting beliefs or internal needs, you have to rearrange what you believe and get rid of the conflict. Clearly it’s time for me to revamp. Sometimes I feel like I’m outgrowing myself. There have been many people I’ve outgrown and many things I’ve outgrown. I’ve changed draaastically in the last two years, even just in the last 8 or 9 months. Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated with myself because parts of me are outgrowing other parts. It’s a weird feeling.
Somewhat related, I’ve been thinking I need to write a book for months and months now. I had thought before if I were to write a book about my life, I could finally get closure. I’ve since been able to get closure on my own with some things and I”m willing to believe that this is the reason I was never truly motivated to start this book. The universe gives you what you can handle, when you can handle it. I’ve been faced with MANY situations where I could have learned certain lessons and grown, but I was unable to see the lesson I was supposed to be learning. After being slapped in the face with the same situation to learn, I’m now beginning to see the lessons that I need to learn.That being said, the idea for writing a book has changed. I still feel extremely compelled to write a book. My idea for starting this is to write everyday about what I’ve done that particular day, how I feel about it, what I think, etc. In this, I’m aiming to find a voice or an angle. In this entire growth process I’ve not so gently nudged myself through, I’ve lost certain voices and found other ones. I could at the end of this either turn out to be crazy, or more sure of myself than I ever have been before.
I’ve also noticed that my back up plan of going to teachers college would be a waste. I know I’m supposed to be in social work, more specifically counselling. I was afraid to let people know how much I knew about them before they ever told me. I’m beginning to not be afraid of how much I can read people, but I’ve been more focused on how I could help them. The problem with this is that people then get afraid of me because they feel vulnerable. I’m still trying to figure out how to balance this. Which leads me to two of the most important lessons I’ve learned in the last little while: applying corrections and finding balance.
I don’t know how to feel right now, nor do I know what to do with myself right now. I’m sitting the glass study space at school. I just finished my last counselling appointment. It was interesting because the last thing I did in counselling was to shred up the journal I gave my counsellor last year, containing all my deepest darkest secrets. It was extremely cathartic and movie-like. I’m going to miss her a ridiculous amount. It’s interesting because I understand from a psychological point why I felt so close to her, whereas really she was just doing her job. I’ve been on the other side of this situation wherein a guy has liked me, mistakenly, when he thought it was in love with me. In reality, he liked that I listened to him. I’m going to cry a lot today. It’s always weird when you look at someone knowing it’s the last time in your entire life that you will ever see them. I didn’t want to continue to cry, so the only thing I could say to her at the end was ‘thank you’. I think she knows how extremely loaded that thank you was, but I can only hope that though it doesn’t feel like closure right now, it actually was. I’ve come a long way, and I still have a long way to go. I’m going to listen to the same song on repeat for the next few weeks. I’m going to cry a lot. There will always be a special place in my heart for her, I’ll forever be grateful for everything she’s done for me and everything she taught me. For now, I’ll just cry in my little glass room.
You know that feeling you get when the person who is supposed to be there for you and unconditionally love you is the person who you most have to watch your back around? Yep, lovin it. Pretty sure there’s no more room on my back for another knife, better luck next time, bucko.